The bar is dimly lit. The music is soft and melodious. People
are speaking in hushed tones. The ambience is perfect for the
bright sophomore. And he knows it, for he seems to be in a trance
with his dancing partner. A voice is heard above the music: "Take
bigger steps to keep pace with your partner." After all, dance is
all about proper chemistry.
That doesn't sound unusual. But then Xiaofan (name changed) was
dancing in a gay bar. And the voice was his mother Chen's.
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Antonio Medina (right) and
Jorge Cerpa after signing their civil contract in Mexico City on
March 16, 2007. The contract is the first in Mexico that offers
same-sex marriage.
|
More surprise follows as the mother of the university student in
Wuhan, capital of central China's Hubei Province, says: "I could never have
imagined you had so many nice friends in the circle."
But things were not always like this for Xiaofan. He was like
any other adolescent boy in school, only a bit shy. But unlike his
classmates, he was always attracted to boys, and cursed himself for
that. "I hated myself for being different from the others and dared
not tell anyone," he says. "The pressure was killing, and I even
attempted suicide."
Then after entering university in 2005, he decided to share his
secret. And the first person that came to his mind was his mother.
"She was shattered. But she didn't scold me," Xiaofan recalls. "She
just kept asking me, 'why?' I couldn't answer that."
Chen took her son to a psychiatrist because she thought his
"condition was some kind of mental disorder and could be cured".
But she was greatly disappointed. The doctor told her clearly that
her son was not suffering from any mental disorder.
"I knew little about homosexuality two years ago. After all,
people are born male and female to procreate. That's nature.
Same-sex love was unnatural to me," Chen says.
"But I was not as much saddened by my son's gender preference as
by the hard struggle he had to go through to accept his
sexuality.
"But I knew I had to help him accept reality and ignore the
social shame still associated with it. Or else, he may be driven to
despair to drugs or drinks or even suicide. His happiness is what I
care the most about."
The day Xiaofan admitted to having a 419 (one-night stand - the
Chinese pronunciation sounds similar) with a stranger, Chen burst
out crying. She shouted: "Please stop doing things risking your
health and life. Find a proper partner."
Her worry was justifiable. One-night stands and multiple
partners are not uncommon among homosexuals. Chinese Center for
Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) figures show the largest
susceptible group to HIV/AIDS after drug users are homosexual
men.
But though Chen says she wants to see her son happy, she
secretly wishes he were "normal".
"Quite frankly, even now I dream that one day he'll be like the
other boys when the right girl comes along," she says. But she will
not force him to get married.
"It takes time for parents of gay children to accept reality.
Their understanding matters a lot, however," says Professor Zhang
Beichuan, China's leading scholar in homosexual studies.
Xiaofan knows that he has an extremely understanding mother, and
acknowledges the fact. "I'm grateful to my mother for her
understanding. Her support and love lifted me out of the mire of
despair. Today, I feel even closer to her," he says. Right now, he
is dating a man seven years elder to him.
In fact, Xiaofan is one of the luckier few among China's
estimated 30 million gay men because despite the increasing social
tolerance toward the group, the general attitude of the people is
still far from normal.
According to a recent survey conducted by Zhang, more than half
of the 2,500 gay
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A gay bar in Beijing.
Though scenes like this are not too uncommon these days, the stigma
associated with homosexuality still dominates society.
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men polled faced discrimination and suffered from serious mental
trauma after confessing about their sexual orientation. Leading the
people who abhor same-sex are the parents of gay children. Also,
the greatest physical threat to gays comes from such parents.
Colleagues at work, classmates and neighbors are the other groups
who see gays as "unnatural beings".
Some parents even disown their gay children and throw them out
of the house, says Zhang. He cites the tragedy of Qilu (name
changed), a 20-something young man from east China's Shandong Province to say some non-acceptances
end in disasters.
At the age of 18, Qilu found that he loved a man. He was
expelled from school soon after his sex orientation was known in
2005.
Later that year, he took his boyfriend home. But his farmer
father could not accept the "twisted sexuality" of his son. And
since he couldn't stop his son from "indulging in unnatural
behavior", he killed his lover. He was arrested and jailed.
Qilu left home after the incident. "It's because of my fault
that my beloved boyfriend is dead and my family destroyed. How can
I face up to my parents and the life ahead?" says Qilu, who still
misses his mother.
More than half the unmarried gay men face parents' pressure to
get married, says Zhang, quoting the survey results. That's one of
the major reasons why nearly 20 percent of those polled attempted
to or succeeded in killing themselves.
Some have devised a way to keep their sexuality under wraps, and
go by their parents' wishes because that's the only they "can
continue with their lives".
"I will definitely get married after graduation. Only that way
can I keep the secret that I'm gay, especially from my parents,"
says Su Xin, a 23-year-old senior student of a Wuhan
university.
Zhang says 90 percent gay men bow to parents' pressure and
social norms. But in most cases such marriages become "hell" both
for the men and their wives. "We don't look down upon left-handers,
so we shouldn't discriminate against gays either. Parents, as the
dearest and closest people to their children, should stand in the
front line to defend their children and help society give up the
taboos associated with homosexuality," Zhang says.
Xiaofan's mother agrees. "If we parents reject or pressure our
gay children, how can we count on others in society to accept
them?" she says. She is one mother that Xiaofan's gay friends feel
indebted to.
Though he concedes it's very difficult for parents of gay
children to accept reality at first, Zhang says: "If my son were
gay, I would ask him to be a good gay, who takes life with a smile
and faces social pressure bravely. I would tell him that he should
still focus on studies and try every means to lead a healthy life.
Parents who deliver the right and positive messages to their gay
children should be respected by society."
For Zhang, Sun Dehua is the role model for parents of gay
children. The 58-year-old resident of Dalian in northeast China's
Liaoning Province opened China's first hotline
in September 2006 to help parents understand their gay
children.
Apart from that, he has worked as a volunteer to raise HIV/AIDS
awareness among the local gay community.
"At first, I took gay people to be freaks. But gradually, I
realized their love was genuine, too," says Sun. "I was deeply
moved and felt obliged to show my support and understanding to
them."
Such is the respect he enjoys that gay people in Dalian call him
"Daddy of all comrades (colloquial term for gays in Chinese). It
seems gays could do with a few more Suns.
(China Daily June 12, 2007)
